Cycles and Conflicts (Chapter 25)
I feel like I am in the spin cycle of a washing machine,
soggy and wet. Centrifugal force pushes me against
the wall, squeezing life from my being.
Survivors are pros at running from their woundedness. The childhood abuse - the rape - it happened years ago. I can deal with my life. The one who overpowered no longer has control over me.
The woman thinks herself successful until one day she finds herself in chaos - a crises beyond all imagination. She knows she needs help but the thought of reaching out goes against the every controlling lesson she learned - don’t talk - don’t feel - don’t think - don’t cry - don’t ask questions. But when her survival tactics fail, she must do something. In deepest despair, thoughts of suicide are strong.
She desperately wants the confusion gone. But in order to do so, she must trust someone -- must verbalize the victimization. She pours out ugly words to her counselor - rape - incest - violation - being blamed - not being believed. In a way the release feels good but have I said too much?
This person before me shows no emotion - no sense of the terror that consumes. He/she listens and says little - writes a note on the paper in my file - words to condemn me - proof of my craziness. My horrors are real! Damn you counselor! Why can’t you understand? I hate you as much as I hate the one who destroyed my freedom!
The furry of her words backfires on her. The pain she once blocked now attacks every fiber of her being. Dreaded thoughts she once controlled now pound night and day in her head. Confusion she once blotted out now consumes. Fears she once kept rigidly at bay now attack from all directions. I hate the filth-in-me. I was a fool to think that sharing the ugliness would help. I hate the person who wants me to talk.
An abuse survivor’s emotions parallel a swirling tornado. Her emotional whirlwind can veer different directions - to a point of unrestrained fury - or to a point of living freely. Becoming entrapped in the cyclic winds is easy.
As a survivor’s emotional tornado spins faster and faster, debris is sucked into her fury. The volume of trash pounds, beats, and bruises her all the more. Without reasons to live, reasons to fight the storm, a woman survivor may easily succumb to what she hates.
Bill could not see the on-going inner battles I was fighting every hour of every day. He struggled to see growth in me, victories ever so small, yet so hard won. Often he could not hold me tightly and allow me to cry. Please, Bill, don’t let go. I need to feel your arms around me-- need to scream - to cry - need to pound my fists against your chest, not because I hate you but to release all I hate.
I desperately wanted to feel loved and valued. Every survivor does. Yet, when anyone, especially a man, demonstrated unconditional love, I became extremely uncomfortable. Can I trust his intentions? I feel so filthy! How can he see me as a person of worth? I easily pushed away from what was unfamiliar (acceptance and unconditional love) and clung to the familiar (unworthiness and conditional love).
Men like to fix things. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - done. Working through emotional woundedness is not a cut and dry process. (1) Verbalize the moment of trauma. (2) Allow the intense feelings to surface. (3) Release. (4) The issue is resolved. No. Recovery is far more complex. Recovery requires reliving entangled memories of damaging life experiences and feeling intense emotions over and over and over again until calm and self-confidence in one’s identity securely replaces the chaos within.
Unhealthy cycles keep a survivor running in endless circles of despair. Cycles overlap, conflict, overwhelm, oppress, and depress. As the woman survivor works through issues, she takes steps forward. She begins to replace unhealthy cycles with healthy cycles. Then suddenly, the somewhat calm reprieve ends. Once again, the night is full of fears. Panic attacks hit without warning. Mood swings again encompass her life. Anger issues flare. No! I will not go deeper into what I hate.
But for her health and peace of mind, she must.
In 1985, I was struggling to break loose of unhealthy, destructive cycles while struggling to survive the recovery/healing process. Though I was making strides in understanding the chaos within, there was an on-going struggle that no one seemed to notice.
I feel as if I have two identities - damn, I hate the feeling! I cannot write my true thoughts. I sense both light and darkness. The conflict within me keeps getting stronger. I know I am sane yet all within me is crazy. But if the battle within me is not real, I must be going crazy. I cannot cope with much more. If life spins more out of control, I will implode!
Implosion? Yes. Escalating intensity of internal conflicts, unrestrained emotions combined with the ever-increasing pressures of life spiraled with such velocity I feared my body would not withstand what I could not control. I truly felt self-destruction from within was possible.
Part-of-me knew I could avoid risking extreme overload (implosion) by stopping counseling. But that left me imprisoned in an angry, fearful world where I did not want to be. Another part-of-me knew my only hope of gaining emotional freedom depended on what transpired in counseling sessions and what appeared in my journal.
At any given moment of decision (and there are many such moments), the survivor must choose between remaining in her familiar panic-driven confused existence or venturing into an even greater, terrifying unknown of resolving her past.
As I go forward, cycles and conflicts continue. As trust and relationship skills increase, confusion and fear decrease. As venting increases, anger decreases. As I give myself permission to ask questions, I sort truth from lies. As strength and courage increases, fear decreases. The more I address anger and fear issues, the more sadness surfaces. As I gain the ability to put anger and fears into words, I gain freedoms.
In the upcoming chapters my writing expands to include steps of faith. But there is conflict in my faith walk, too - trust vs. mistrust - love vs. hate - guilt and shame vs. grace – not forgiving vs. forgiveness - punishment and death vs. the desire for God’s salvation - and the ever increasing struggle between light and darkness. All must be sorted out.
