Repressed Memories (taken from Part 1)
Repressed memories – a flash of time – etched in sharp detail in the abyss of our subconscious minds – vivid – real – a documentation of our unrealized fears. Events, though not remembered, are not erased. As molten lava of an inactive volcano churns beneath the earthen crust, so too are repressed memories – lying dormant – waiting for the exact moment in time to surface – to control – to once again threaten existence.
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In the early-1980s, survivors of sexual abuse were breaking free of the generational curse of silence. Never tell – no one will believe you. You are to blame. Don’t think. Don’t question. Do as you are told. Don’t cry. Don’t feel.
Women were daring to speak out, sharing their stories of sexual assault, rape, and incest.
Information was coming to the forefront. Secrets were being told. Yet the limited resources available offered little help to my understanding the desperation I felt. There is so much turmoil going on inside of me. I hate the endless confusion that swarms in my head. No one seems to understand me.
Added to this, topics dealing with the reality of repressed memories and the psychological warping of a person’s mind from spiritual abuse seemed taboo. My childhood – sure I remember some things. But names, places, and events – the voids in time are so vast. Terrified, I felt alone in a world that was rapidly closing in around me.
I wanted the confusion gone. I wanted to be free to live my life and enjoy my family. I had no idea that the journey ahead would encompass a timeframe of fourteen years. Some people question such a lengthy recovery. A journey to wholeness in any life takes time, energy, and perseverance. Added to this, no journey is possible without daily or lengthy interruptions in one’s plans for life.
At the onset of counseling, I had NO memory of any abuse, NO concept of all that confused me. I was numb to all feelings and was out of touch with reality. I was on the brink of an emotional breakdown. I was exhausted, depressed, and extremely angry. I was totally incapable of identifying or verbalizing my true feelings toward God.
I was fortunate. Neither of the men I counseled with attempted to hasten my memory recall. They did not attempt to shorten the recovery process. They did not plant thoughts or images in my mind of what might have happened – who might have done what. Both men understood that rushing the remembering process is no different than placing a bandage over a cancerous lesion and expecting the tumor to heal. My memory recall occurred slowly, naturally, and WITHOUT the use of hypnosis.
The recollection of painful memories did not happen quickly or in a systematic order. Countless pieces of a highly complex puzzle needed to be remembered, felt, and sorted out. Often, unraveling all that surfaced during the recovery process was as confusing as the chaotic existence I had lived for years. Though I desperately wanted the pain and confusion gone, there was no quick or easy fix.
The issue of repressed memories is controversial. Many deny that memories long forgotten impact a person’s life in the years to come. Many a client undergoing therapy has been ‘forced’ to recall moments of childhood sexual abuse, to put the blame on a parent or relative in order to give reason for their depression or anger. Many a family has known the heartache of a parent or family member being falsely accused.
For this reason, I have incorporated within the pages of “healing of a violate spirit” some of my actual journal notes – “the connecting of the dots” in my recall, feeling, and healing. Narratives are based on actual journal entries, my counselor’s notes of our sessions, and my emotionally reliving counseling sessions and moments of time while writing at the computer. Words have been added to some journal entries in order to add clarity of thought. However, nothing was added to enhance the reading. My healing-recovery journey, as recorded in “healing of a violated spirit”, is how I lived and experienced the recall and recovery process.
