Seeing God Through Wounded Eyes (taken from Part 1)
A survivor friend, journeying through the recovery process, once verbalized her thoughts of seeing God in my writings. In a chilled tone she stated, “If I see God mentioned on the back cover or in the introduction, I won’t read the book!” I understood the depth of her emotions.
The psychological, emotional, and spiritual damage caused from being subjected to spiritual abuse created deeper confusion in my mind than my being subjected to sexual abuse. The combination of being sexually and spiritually victimized was a psychological beating.
As my distorted view of God and Jesus was a significant part of the core woundedness I needed to resolve, I found it impossible to write of my healing journey without dealing with my intense fear of God, my anger toward God, and my feelings of abandonment by Jesus.
Since childhood, I have understood God to be a Father, a male image. For me, referencing God with either a neutral or feminine pronoun was not an option. Changing the pronoun may have at first eased my fears. In the long run, altering God’s identity to suit my woundedness would have masked one of the most crucial issues in my recovery and healing.
For me, to be completely reconciled with God, it was imperative that I learn, in my timing, to trust and love God in a male image. And so, throughout the book, “healing of a violated spirit,” I reference God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit with a male pronoun.
